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Shooting yourself in the foot - 9/11/2005 8:17:06 PM
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TNO
Posts: 1036
Score: 10
Joined: 12/18/2004
From: thenewobjective.com
Status: offline
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Shooting yourself in the foot The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.
C:
You shoot yourself in the foot;
C++:
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN:
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, than you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.
Modula 2:
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
COBOL:
Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retired.
LISP:
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ...
BASIC:
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
FORTH:
Foot in yourself shoot.
APL:
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
Pascal:
The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
SNOBOL:
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
Concurrent Euclid:
You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
HyperTalk:
Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif:
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Unix:
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%
HTML:
<A HREF="shoot://yourself/~foot">click me</A>
Paradox:
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
Revelation:
You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.
Visual Basic:
You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.
Prolog:
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.
370 JCL:
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document describing how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Ada:
After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.
Assembly:
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.
Objective-C (NeXT):
You write a protocol for shooting yourself in the foot so that all people can get shot in their feet.
Algol:
You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.
DBase:
You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot yourself anyway. <rboatright>
DBase IV version 1.0:
You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was a poorly-designed grenade and the whole building blows up.
sh, csh, etc.:
You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.
Smalltalk:
You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
PL/I:
You consume all available system resources, including all the offline bullets. The Dataprocessing & Payroll Department doubles its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your foot.
scheme:
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... ...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
English:
You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off. (For those who don't know, English is a McDonnell Douglas/PICK query language which allegedly requires 110% of system resources to run happily.)
CLIPPER:
You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the bullets fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the mail REAL SOON NOW.
SQL:
You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the attachment at the end of your leg.
INFORMIX:
The first gun doesn't work. Three months later INFORMIX's support desk send another gun which doesn't match the version number of the bullets. INFORMIX suggest you upgrade to INFORMIX-ONLINE. You pull the trigger and your shoe gets wet.
ORACLE:
ORACLE sell you a gun, a box of bullets, a holster, a cardboard mock-up of a wild-west town and a stetson. You find the trigger takes twenty seven people to pull it. ORACLE provide 26 consultants all with holsters, cardboard mock-ups and stetsons. The bullet doesn't leave the gun-barrel and you hire four more ORACLE consultants to optimise. The bullet bounces off you sandals. You decide to buy INGRES. Richard Donkin shoots you in the foot.
INGRES:
You pull the trigger, and you identical twin in San Francisco gets shot. You then turn off distributed query optimisation.
SYBASE:
You carelessly invoke the procedure sp_insert_bullet() which fires a trigger (neat, eh) on the table GUN. To maintain referential integrity, the system invokes another trigger which inserts bullets in your foot, your shins, your thighs, pelvis and so on up to the cranium. You are left in third normal form.
OCCAM:
You send a message to your finger, which sends a message to the trigger, which sends a message to the firing pin, which sends a message to the primer, which sends a message to the firing charge, which sends a message to the bullet which sends a very unpleasant message to your foot.
The pipeline continues to run, a hail of bullets emerging from the output channel and drilling their way via your foot to the centre of the earth. The high velocity arrival of such stupendous amounts of lead creates a density shock-wave which eventually collapses beyond its own event horizon. The black hole thus formed goes on to absorb earth, most of the minor planets and the Sun. The problem of your foot become increasingly insignificant during this process. Hyper intelligent beings from the planet Zorg nod their several heads wisely and confide to each other: "I always said Tony was a complete twat"
RTL:
You start to really shoot yourself in the foot, but 6 slugs is too many for an array and blows the compiler to pieces. Eventually you realise you must rebuild the compiler to allow such huge arrays. This is so stupid and boring that you start shoot yourself, but just in time you are interrupted by...
Neural Networks:
You train the network in how to shoot your foot, after which it generalises and keeps trying to locate some guy named Connor on the net...
Genetic Algorithms:
You create 10,000 strings describing the best way to shoot yourself in the foot. By the time the program produces the optimal solution, humans have evolved wings and the problem is moot.
Java:
You create a secure computer simulation of a foot, and shoot that.
Flash 5:
You create a beautiful animation of a foot, but the gun takes forever to load...
JavaScript:
Open form foot, enter shoot, click submit.
VBScript:
Write a shoot.vbs virus and attach it to an e-mail. Two million Microsoft Outlook users will infect their feet with it. (suggested by Derek Moo)
~author unknown. ~
< Message edited by TNO -- 9/11/2005 8:18:14 PM >
_____________________________
Consolidated Script Component: The Acid Test
A universe of complexity...
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RE: Shooting yourself in the foot - 11/19/2005 3:10:39 PM
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TNO
Posts: 1036
Score: 10
Joined: 12/18/2004
From: thenewobjective.com
Status: offline
|
Yikes.
_____________________________
Consolidated Script Component: The Acid Test
A universe of complexity...
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